Lemme show what you're missin... part 1

I walked into a gas station with a shirt and shoes on and got kicked out. Bastards made me put pants on.

If you stand when you wipe after doing your business, automatic flushers are the devil. Then all of a sudden it flushes but you weren't done, and then when you're actually done, the damn thing doesn't flush. Then I stand there and try to wave at it. Let's just go back to the old fashioned way of pushing a trigger down then washing your hands.

I couldn't figure out what happens to elephants when they die at a zoo, so I looked it up.

So is milk like cow semen or what?

If I had a boy and a girl, I'd give the guy a girl name and the girl a guys' name just to confuse people.

An alien from another planet came to my door and didn't speak English so I'm not sure what it wanted.

Some Chinese kid was in the middle of the ocean waving his hands and screaming some word over and over, but I couldn't understand what he wanted either, I really gotta start studying other languages.

Major League Baseball should rig their season so the Cubs win the world series and then see if they still lose. Then we'll know if that billy goat had special powers and we can use it to curse terrorists and not allow them to kill people, and to curse poor people not to ask us for money any more.

I wonder if anyone has ever slept in a random persons' bed next to them, their only motive being to freak the hell out of them in the morning and then maybe make breakfast and leave. I'm not sure if it would be creepy or funny.

I want to use a bunch of coupons in front of some old people and piss them off.