"Beer is proof God loves us" Part 1

Drugs evolved, from God. First God was bored of water because it was too plain and boring, so he made ingredients that eventually became soda pop. Now he was happy, a little more energetic and willing to do more. Then he created coffee to wake him up every morning. Now he could really keep going but this too he got bored with. "I need something that will alter my thinking and allow me to be more open to others." So God created alcohol. He started with a small amount, a wine cooler then made beer. "Wow this is kind of shitty actually, I probably could have made this shit taste a lot better, but oh well too late now. Let's see what happens when I drink more..." So God drank more and found that it got better and his mind became more open.

But then God got sick and puked everywhere. "God damnit, well I messed that up, but I'm getting closer." So God decided that there should be something you can just swallow and get it over with, so he created pills. "I'll use the same idea I had with alcohol, I'll make 1 or 2 pills okay for you, but after increasing, there should be a sense of euphoria and happiness." God took the pills but ended up passing out way to soon and almost dying and being sent back to heaven to start this all over. So he thought maybe there is something we can plant.

So planting he did, he tried everything and eventually found some good ingredients. "I'll call it Mary wana, because Mary always wana get messed up" She did live a stressful life, she got pregnant and didn't know how, I mean, a lot of people can't live like that. Then her son ended up being Jesus Christ, the son of God, talk about a lot of expectations.

So anyways, God decided that female plants of Mary Wana were the best and he first ate these plants, he eventually got to the point where he created devices to smoke this plant. "Jesus Christ this is good!" He exclaimed. "Is it really, lemme try it" Jesus responded. So they smoked and smoked and were in a very good mood and couldn't stop laughing. "The people of Earth will love this!" As they got high, they continued to experiment and make new drugs and mix other drugs, they created drugs like heroin and ecstasy. They knew they had gone too far now. "This shit is too much man, what have we done??" So God was mad at himself and knew that people on Earth would abuse these drugs. He looked down on Earth and then looked back at Jesus with a smile and said, "Get me a beer."

Lemme show what you're missin... part 1

I walked into a gas station with a shirt and shoes on and got kicked out. Bastards made me put pants on.

If you stand when you wipe after doing your business, automatic flushers are the devil. Then all of a sudden it flushes but you weren't done, and then when you're actually done, the damn thing doesn't flush. Then I stand there and try to wave at it. Let's just go back to the old fashioned way of pushing a trigger down then washing your hands.

I couldn't figure out what happens to elephants when they die at a zoo, so I looked it up.

So is milk like cow semen or what?

If I had a boy and a girl, I'd give the guy a girl name and the girl a guys' name just to confuse people.

An alien from another planet came to my door and didn't speak English so I'm not sure what it wanted.

Some Chinese kid was in the middle of the ocean waving his hands and screaming some word over and over, but I couldn't understand what he wanted either, I really gotta start studying other languages.

Major League Baseball should rig their season so the Cubs win the world series and then see if they still lose. Then we'll know if that billy goat had special powers and we can use it to curse terrorists and not allow them to kill people, and to curse poor people not to ask us for money any more.

I wonder if anyone has ever slept in a random persons' bed next to them, their only motive being to freak the hell out of them in the morning and then maybe make breakfast and leave. I'm not sure if it would be creepy or funny.

I want to use a bunch of coupons in front of some old people and piss them off.

Stairway to Hell

If dogs could talk they would sound like Owen Wilson. Chiwawas would sound like George Lopez. That new movie hit it right on the head!

Why do creepy people look creepy? You got guys walking into the grocery store who haven't shaved since there were 13 and have hair down to their waist. Do they wake up in the morning and say, "damn I look good today! No need to change anything at all or shower for that matter." No wonder their only friends are fellow creeps (they don't travel in packs).

Sorry, but women playing sports is the worst thing to witness. It is thrilling to see them perform conventional layups or attempt to catch a softball with a glove that isn't even big enough. Okay, that is fun to watch... hmm I guess girls playing sports is alright after all.

Why did fanny packs go out of style? Probably the most genius invention of the 20th century has quickly gone from convenient to lame. I see no problem in wearing one, they hold many useful items.

Comparing apples and oranges doesn't seem that far fetched to me. Imagine a color blind woman with wrinkly fingers, she would agree they look and feel the same. Also both are fruits and I mean seriously, that's not comparable? How about comparing Rosie O' Donnell to talent. That is impossible.

Technology is getting better and better. I can't wait for the day that Illegal Mexicans can do everything for us.

The Bluegrass State

It's not delivery it's digiorno. How do you spell that? I have no clue. But that pizza blows, the slogan should be "It's not delivery, it's disgusting". At least they have bread sticks now, I bet those are good. Speaking of pizza, tomorrow is Wednesday, and that means it's hump day.

The Fourth of July is fast approaching and that means one thing, parades! What better way to celebrate our independence than by walking down a road? Fireworks are cool cuz you can blow shit up and I say any reason is a good reason to blow shit up, unless you're a terrorist, fuck you. Cinco De Mayo is totally a fake holiday, get over it, and plus nobody cares about your independence this is America. If you care about Mexico's independence that means you're an illegal, so get the hell out. Okay that was harsh, but seriously, Russia doesn't celebrate the 4th of July do they? They probably don't even have calendars or know the concept of time over there yet. Peter the Great, R.I.P.

Should you use shampoo every day? I heard that's not good? I don't understand why that's not good but I'm scared to use it on Saturdays because I always remember it's been 6 days in a row, I may die if I use it today. So I stick with the body wash. But then your hair is all dirty, that's so annoying, I might risk it one day and go 7 days in a row. Do old people shower?

Why can a 10 year old go down a slide and look normal, but a 22 year old tries walking up a tube slide full of piss and everyone thinks he's a weirdo? I don't get the world at all. We drive on parkways and park on driveways. Seriously, wt fuck.

As a runner myself, I am amazed how black people are obviously much faster and have all of the world records. However, they walk slower than time. I think this is why they are fast, they conserve their energy in walking and save it for when they need to run.

I saw a squirrel go up a tree the other day, man I wish I could do that! I always try but then I fall down. Some people think I'm weird, I think I'm a pioneer. We have to start thinking outside the box.

One addition, why do people pray before they eat? God is the one that made us have to eat to survive? So we're thanking him for food that we need to live. I just say well if we didn't have food then that woulda been a dick move by God!

Day 1

Summer is great because when you make a snowman in your yard, you know you'll be the only one in the neighborhood to have one. Also, it's not cold and you want ice cream. But getting ice cream isn't that easy when you try to steal 40 pounds worth from a local shop. Besides the robot guards securing the vanilla, you'd be lucky to get by the laser shooting panda guarding the chocolate. A black guy secured the cherry ice cream, the most wanted of the ice creams. Nobody messes with a black guy. So I won't steal ice cream.

My dog got hit by another car. We laughed it off again, at least he still has a leg. We shoulda got a cow, they don't run in the road or at all for that matter, and they make milk. One time we almost bought a cat. Owning a home is tough work and only some can do it, especially when you're home is made of straw and you live by a damn wolf. It would suck even worse if you lived on a canoe and it was always windy. You'd have little room to begin with and would probably tip over. Or what if your house was built and they forgot to put in a bathroom, that would just suck! Man, homeless people do have it easy after all. They can pee wherever they want and I would love to live outside a dunkin donuts.

I woke up today with an idea, "I'm going to brush my teeth before I eat breakfast" Dumb, idea because my waffles tasted like fluoride and my milk tasted minty. I wonder if Jesus brushed his teeth? He probably didn't have to, I mean the guy walked on water.

It would be nice if we had 3 arms but I wonder how you'd use it. Would it be like where your chest is or like on one of the sides? Well then you'd need 4 arms but how would you move it, you'd have to like jump and it would flop around or something.